tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-374918652024-03-07T13:11:06.223-05:00Thou and Thou OnlyRiches we heed not, nor man's empty praise.<br><br>
This blog belongs to the family of JunkMale, a Christian and Georgia Tech alumnus. Target demographics might include conservative Christian, healthy-eating, homeschooling, interracial families, and others who do not call this world "home." Where homemade is usually better than store-bought. For more info, click the "About" link below.Harmonyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15105846442509828835noreply@blogger.comBlogger9125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37491865.post-4298340791960655672007-08-01T11:20:00.000-04:002007-08-01T11:21:12.959-04:00Glad To Be Here...as opposed to <a href="http://thou-and-thou-only.blogspot.com/2006/11/our-turbulent-engagement-part-1.html" target="newwindow">this month two years ago</a>. I had yet to go home and have a face-to-face talk with my parents about getting engaged to Harmony. As I had not really had too many talks like that with my parents, it was going to be somewhat awkward, and I was very anxious. "The talk" was always somewhere in my mind; either at the back or the front of it. Perhaps you know what this is like. Perhaps you've had some stressful event like a colonoscopy, very-heavy-talk-with-parents-likely-to-bring-up-more-conflict, or a prison stint coming in the near future. (Which one I'd prefer, I don't know...maybe the first or the last option over the middle one) It just casts a certain gloom over your days, no matter what's going on. You're constantly thinking about it, and the stress causes your hair to begin falling out prematurely (it's a far cry from the plumes I used to have).<br /><br />And I might remind you that in all this, I hadn't even had "the talk" yet. I felt that the sentiment of the situation had not changed one bit after the talk. True, the circumstances and outlook had changed, but the stress still lingered. It would not go away for another 9 months, when my dad finally publicly endorsed the engagement, which had begun March 31st with or without my parents' approval. <br /><br />But now we're here. The whole JunkMale and Harmony (maybe I should change my name to Bone Thugs) unmarried saga had a very happy ending. I can quite 100% honestly say that I am really really glad to be here, in August 2007. Whatever happens to us now, we're in it together, and for life.JunkMalehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02619673168896233941noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37491865.post-71822314638735013222007-05-07T20:33:00.000-04:002007-05-07T20:34:33.330-04:00Useful Tips for Harrowing ConfrontationsI noticed that someone's actually found our blog by Googling for phrases like "interracial engagement and Korean parents," so I thought I'd put out some tips that helped me through the rough phase of our engagement, which I began writing about <a href="http://thou-and-thou-only.blogspot.com/2006/11/our-turbulent-engagement-part-1.html">here</a>. There are five parts total in that series, so be sure to read it if you are going through a similar situation.<br /><br /><b><u>If you can't think of anything to say, just stay quiet.</u></b><br />A lot of times, I found myself with lots of thoughts swirling and swishing around in my head. It is very important for you not to speak incorrectly here. Choose your words very carefully by staying quiet until you are absolutely sure of what to say. Sometimes it's good to let the silence speak, and for you to speak when asked to speak.<br /><br /><b><u>Stand your ground.</u></b><br />It might seem impossibly hard, but stand your ground. I don't know for certain, but it seems that things will not get much easier for you if you give in to your parents' will. (You should not always be defiant towards your parents...but sometimes you must do what you feel is right) I stood my ground, even while my mom was saying she didn't want to live anymore if I went through with this or that. My parents are now very warm and welcoming of Harmony. You can get through it; just stand firm!<br /><br />I should mention that it doesn't seem to be all too uncommon for Korean mothers to get so very emotional and dramatic when it comes to matters dealing with their son(s). I heard that one of my mom's sister's mother-in-law said stuff about not wanting to live anymore unless she had a grandson (this particular aunt had already had 3 girls). We've seen similar destructive threats on Korean dramas. Even in the Bible is a very similar sort of sentiment expressed, in Genesis 27:46:<br /><blockquote> 46 Then Rebekah said to Isaac, "I'm disgusted with living because of these Hittite women. If Jacob takes a wife from among the women of this land, from Hittite women like these, my life will not be worth living."</blockquote><br /><br /><b><u>Try to find if the two stories match.</u></b><br />Often in Korean families, the dad, mom, and children sort of function like microcosm of a military organization. The dad is the head general/admiral, the kids are the enlisted personnel and grunts, and the mom represents the officers, who generally function as the go-between or liaison. Sometimes what the dad says will get passed on through mom, and not through direct communication. In the context of a harrowing confrontation, it helps to make sure Mom is accurately representing Dad's feelings on the matter. In our case, I had gotten some conflicting reports from Mom and Dad, i.e. my dad had said this and that, but my mom was reporting that he was actually feeling that and this. Luckily for me, I had my sister, who is much more of a confidant to my mom, and had been around the house more often during this period.<br /><br /><b><u>Know that adults are not above manipulation.</u></b><br />I won't go into detail here, but just keep it in mind. Parents are people, through and through.<br /><br /><b><u>Things will get better.</u></b><br />You will get through this tough situation, but, like I said above, you must hold your ground. I felt extreme stress during that whole period. There were times where I realized the weight of the situation and wished that the parental conflict could've been a bad dream that I could wake out of. I could barely remember a harder period of my life. But we prayed, and prayed, and prayed, and we got through it. We got counseling, both through church elders and professional counselors. Harmony's parents were quite supportive, and that helped. You could also seek spiritual support from church elders or other spiritual people in your congregation. It always helps to know that spiritual people are praying for your situation. What they say to you might not be too <i>useful</i> at the time, but we can both attest that it can still be <i>helpful</i>.<br /><br />My parents came around pretty quickly. It was on the order of months. Others might take longer. Not to scare anyone, but I've heard of some who didn't come around until a grandchild was born. But I have not yet personally heard of any parents who never spoke to their kid again.<br /><br /><b><u>Things will look much better on the other side.</u></b><br />After having gone through extremely tough times during engagement, you might be able to look back with your spouse and say, "Whatever problems we go through, at least we're married now."<br /><hr /><br />I know this post might not even be helpful to anyone until much later, but even if you find this months or years from original posting date, feel free to comment. We get e-mail notification of all comments on our blog, so it won't go unnoticed. Or find my e-mail address in my profile, if you want to talk privately. I <u>do not</u> claim to be an expert on these matters...not by a long shot. But Harmony and I have personally experienced it, and would be happy to offer what advice we can.JunkMalehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02619673168896233941noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37491865.post-37971254639538006502007-04-11T10:59:00.000-04:002007-04-11T11:23:47.302-04:00No Interracial Hiccups YetIn our approximately 3.5 years of being together, we have not yet experienced any outside animosity or disapproval for being an interracial couple. I say "outside" because I think my mom had some issues with it before we were married. If she still does have issues, she keeps her mouth shut, because I haven't heard so much of an interracial peep out of her since wedding planning had begun.<br /><br />In fact, I personally am not aware that I have experienced any racial or ethnocentric prejudice in a long time. I don't even remember the last time something like that happened. Maybe it's a sign of the times. No one's ever talked extra slow to me because they saw that I was Asian. Probably because the minute I started talking, they realized I was capable of coherent conversation in standard American accented English.<br /><br />I haven't experienced any interracial hiccups with Harmony's family, to my knowledge. Everyone's been perfectly nice and hospitable. I don't believe Harmony has experienced any prejudice from my family. However, you can bet that if Harmony were black, there would've been a bit more of a fight from my family. My apologies to any black readers (or non-black readers attached to a black person), but in Korea (and probably Asia in general) there is a general stereotype that black people are thugs and GaNgStAs (yo). It's quite wrong of them to think that, so now that you know that, go prove it wrong.<br /><br />I personally still am getting used to the idea of us being married now. This is not made any easier by the fact that we look nothing like each other. I would bet that most of us are used to seeing married people who resemble each other. Harmony and I look alike in that we are generally part of the animal kingdom, and of the genus and species <i>Homo sapien</i>. Harmony gets a sunburn if she thinks about sunlight, and I get rosy cheeks if I think about alcohol. I wonder if our children will grow up thinking that it's a bit strange that other people's parents look like each other?<br /><br />Here in the conservative/traditional South, who knows how many people have thought disapproving thoughts and have kept their mouths shut. I guess it's not a surprise that no one has spoke out to us strangers in public, since that's generally not something that regular people do. I can't recall us being treated any differently because of our mixing.<br /><br />And now I've done it. You know, like when someone brags about having never broken a bone, he'll probably break one the next day. Let's hope that after writing about this, I won't be lynched by local white folk for marrying one of their number.<br /><br />I know there are at least a couple of interracial married couples who read here. Have you had any bad experiences? And any general advice for a young interracial married couple?JunkMalehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02619673168896233941noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37491865.post-40690300107707777772007-02-20T14:47:00.000-05:002007-02-20T15:15:35.932-05:00Would I Have Been a Liberal Back Then?As times change, so does what is considered "conservative" or "liberal." I hope that if I had lived 200-300 years ago, that I would've had a number of liberal traits.<br /><br />Back in times of slavery, it was the conservative position that there was nothing wrong with slavery (if I'm not mistaken). It was the progressive, or liberal, position that slavery was wrong. Now, I haven't exactly done my research, but I believe that until the Revolutionary period, almost no whites spoke out against slavery. If I had been living back then, would I have had any twinge of guilt if I had been a slave owner? I suppose that since the Bible does mention that slaves should obey their masters, maybe I would've used this as justification, since it does not necessarily condemn slave ownership. And if I did own slaves, I sure hope that I would've treated them in a manner according to Ephesians 6.<br /><br />During the American Civil Rights era, would I have held a progressive position towards civil rights reform? I hope that I would've been clear-minded enough to realize that there was no Biblical justification for mistreating people solely based on skin color. I hope that I would've sided with the peaceful protesters, perhaps even enduring ridicule even though I'm not black. Then again, as a Korean, I probably would've advocated civil rights reform anyways, since they probably benefited Asians as well.<br /><br />Would I have disapproved of interracial marriage, during times when it was looked down upon, and even illegal in many US states? I hope that I would've had the mind to think that there was no New Testament justification for condemning interracial marriage. Harmony and I have currently not experienced any indemnity for our interracial marriage, aside from all the stuff that happened during our engagement. To my knowledge, we've not gotten any disapproving sneers when people see us together.<br /><br />Then again, being liberal in your beliefs should only extend so far. The liberality of my beliefs only extends as far as the Bible allows it. To take two hot-button issues of the day...the Bible does not condone murder of innocent children (among murder of other demographics), nor does it condone homos*xual relations. Therefore I do not condone them either, however much contemporary society tries to tell me that these are normal and acceptable behaviors. Speaking of other commonly accepted behaviors, the Bible does not condone divorce and remarriage to another spouse, if the first spouse is living; therefore, I do not condone divorce and remarriage, unless the original couple is being reunited. "This is a hard teaching. Who can accept it?" I'm just very glad that I'm not in a situation like that, nor will I ever be.<br /><br />What exactly is my political label? I don't really know. There's "liberal," there's "conservative," but I hope that I could label myself as "Biblical."JunkMalehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02619673168896233941noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37491865.post-1163282019371209252006-12-10T19:50:00.000-05:002007-03-07T08:04:23.236-05:00Our Turbulent Engagement, Part 3Wow, time has flown by and now there's less than a week. For anyone who might read this (all 3 of you), expect a blogging drought for a week beginning on the 16th. Here is the final portion of the Engagement series.<br /><br /><a href="http://thou-and-thou-only.blogspot.com/2006/11/our-turbulent-engagement-part-1.html">Part 1</a><br /><a href="http://thou-and-thou-only.blogspot.com/2006/11/our-turbulent-engagement-supplemental.html">Supplement I</a><br /><a href="http://thou-and-thou-only.blogspot.com/2006/11/our-turbulent-engagement-part-2.html">Part 2</a><br /><a href="http://thou-and-thou-only.blogspot.com/2006/12/our-turbulent-engagement-supplemental.html">Supplemental II</a><br /><br />So we waited. I held my ground and didn't give in. We still were planning on getting married in December. Considering how long we had been together before then, a 9 month engagement might've been a bit long. Right now it feels too long! But I purposefully chose a date "far" ahead so that my parents would have a good long chance to adjust to this idea.<br /><br />Thank goodness for a certain elder and his wife in our church. I have the e-mail in my Gmail archives, dated April 4. It shows that I sent him a very distressed e-mail explaining our situation. I think I had just had the conversation with my mom, and needless to say, I was not very productive at work that day. We were able to hurriedly set up a get-together with them to get some comfort and advice. Now that I look back on it, we did not get much new advice from them, but it was IMMENSELY helpful to just be around an older and wiser couple and get comfort from them. Infinite thanks to L/E P.<br /><br />I had that previous conversation in April, and my parents didn't try to contact me on phone for a while. Mostly what I remember is sparse talking with my mom over MSN. I do remember asking her if they were still going to come to my college graduation, since I still wanted to get married in December of that year. She responded by saying something like "No, you're not getting married in December. Forget that crazy talk." I still held my ground. It was during this time that I found a free MP3 of 4Him's rendition of "Be Thou My Vision," to which I listened incessantly during this period in my life. I thought that the unpleasant memories of this period would get imprinted with the song, but amazingly, I still feel great everytime I listen to that version.<br /><br />Eventually May did roll around, and my family did come up for graduation. What follows was the biggest relief I've felt in a long time. The morning of graduation, my dad came over to my apartment. I don't remember why he originally said he was going to, but as it turns out, he came to talk to me about getting married in December. He asked me if I was still wanting to get married in December, and I said yes. To my extreme pleasant surprise, he then proceeded to tell me that he would support me in this! I don't remember everything that he said because I was just so high on relief. I remember him saying that he would deal with my mom, and that she would either come around, or be made to come around. Like I've said before, sometimes I am very glad that (most) decisions are final in my house when dad says so. In this case, VERY glad. Although the graduation ceremony was FOUR HOURS, I had no trouble sitting through the whole thing. Our families even sat together during the ceremony :D Afterwards, we all went out to dinner together, where my dad proceeded to clear the air and get the wedding conversation out in the open. Even at the table, my mom still (quietly) said to me in Korean that I should wait to get married, but I still did not budge, especially since I knew that my dad was on my side.<br /><br />Up until graduation day, everything was an uphill battle. After graduation, everything felt like coasting, with a few (large) bumps here and there. Harmony and I both agree that we would much rather deal with wedding plan squabbles with both sets of parents than deal with pre-engagement issues with one set of parents.<br /><br />So why have I told you all this? Maybe somewhere out there, there is another couple in a similar situation to us, desperately looking for any help they can get. Maybe they will go on Google or be looking through Christian blogs and find our's. If any of you that are reading this ever want to ask us for help, PLEASE do so. We might not be able to solve your problems, but perhaps we can at least sympathize, as war buddies usually can do. Back in That Horrible Month(tm) or April, we would've loved to have heard about an epic with a happy ending like this.JunkMalehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02619673168896233941noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37491865.post-1163295236751226192006-12-03T19:51:00.000-05:002007-03-07T08:03:12.176-05:00Our Turbulent Engagement, Supplemental 2Ok, this is just a short little snippet with bits of my side of the story and a few details that weren't mentioned earlier.<br /><br />After JM had gone to speak with his family in August 2005, he came back saying we needed to wait to get married. I *might* have been able to get used to that and to get my life wrapped around that direction for our lives, but the fact was that my family and friends were in a completely different place on the issue-- and they were having none of this "wait and do what his parents say" thing.<br /><br />Many of my friends had gotten married while they were still in college, and even more of them were married right out of college. In fact, out of all my friends who were in a relationship in college, I was the only one who was *not* engaged or married at my graduation. On top of all of this, it had also been tradition in our church culture for couples to be engaged and married within three years of beginning their relationship. This was not a rule set in stone, but rather a general pattern that was followed in an attempt by the couples to avoid falling into sin.<br /><br />Because of all of this, it was naturally assumed by all of my family and friends that JM and I would be married any day now. I was hearing comments weekly from some person or other about "when is he going to get his act together and propose?" or "oh, I thought you were married already" (with a pointed look on their face). When I told my friends about JM's conversation with his parents and about Korean culture, the response was almost always along the lines of, "So dump him! Find someone who will actually stand up for you!"<br /><br />It was even more difficult with my parents. You see, JM had been to talk to my parents about proposing to me in April 2005. They gave their wholehearted consent. So when he came back in August saying that the wedding plans would have to wait six more years..... I distinctly remember my dad saying that it seemed like JM was taking me for granted, and that he ought to be able to be more his own man. My mom told me that he shouldn't be treating me like this and that it seemed he was leading me on. They both felt that we should be getting engaged and making plans to be married.<br /><br />One thing I don't really understand -- maybe someone wiser than I am can help me here -- is how to go about obeying parents when they are telling you to do two different things. With his parents saying "wait" and my parents saying "don't wait", it made it very difficult to decide what we really ought to do. I can tell you that many hours were spent in prayer asking God for wisdom and to show us what He wanted us to do.<br /><br />Our "solution", if you will, was to ask the advice of older and wiser couples. We went to one of the elders in our congregation, one of the ministers, a Christian counselor, and many others. The vast majority of the advice was that we needed to be married. "Leave and cleave" -- that was a phrase I heard very often during that time (this of course referring to <a href="http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Genesis%202:24;&version=9;">Genesis 2:24</a>). Other advisors referred us to 1 Corinthians 7, saying that it would not be wise of us to extend our relationship that long, that we would be putting ourselves in a situation where we would be tempted to fall into sexual sin.<br /><br />And yet the other side of the story... "Children obey your parents in everything." Either way we would be disappointing one set of parents. What I finally decided was that this was nothing more than a culture clash. According to the prevailing culture in my area of the world, I should have been married a year or two ago. According to JM's culture, he should ideally be about 30 years old -- which is seven years from now. It seemed there was no easy or good way to resolve it. But even to the last few minutes of making the decision, I kept holding out the hope that some miracle solution would come up that would make everyone happy. However that was not what God had planned for us. What we finally decided was to go with the bulk of the advice (which as it turns out was exactly what we *wanted* to do).<br /><br />I'm sure there are people out there who think that we made a huge mistake in completely going against the wishes of his parents. I readily admit that we are not perfect, and that we certainly had a lot of incentive to make the decision we did. But we did not make the decision blindly, or without significant amounts of advice from wise and spiritual people who were not personally involved in the situation. When it came down to it, we did what we felt was best and God has continued to bless us, even through our mistakes.<br /><br /><a href="http://thou-and-thou-only.blogspot.com/2006/11/our-turbulent-engagement-part-1.html">Part 1</a><br /><a href="http://thou-and-thou-only.blogspot.com/2006/11/our-turbulent-engagement-supplemental.html">Supplemental I</a><br /><a href="http://thou-and-thou-only.blogspot.com/2006/11/our-turbulent-engagement-part-2.html">Part 2</a><br /><a href="http://thou-and-thou-only.blogspot.com/2006/12/our-turbulent-engagement-part-3.html">Part 3</a>Harmonyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15105846442509828835noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37491865.post-1163261123359204562006-11-22T09:35:00.000-05:002007-03-07T08:01:40.520-05:00Our Turbulent Engagement, Part 2The Harmonic family and I are heading off this weekend to visit her other-grandma-that-I-haven't-met, who lives in another part of rural NC. So I leave you with Part 2:<br /><br />This is getting so long that even I am forgetting where I left off. Maybe I should just have Harmony write it. In fact, it might be interesting to have her write her version of the novel. Might make for some quite interesting Rashomon-like narrative.<br /><br />Let me preface this portion by saying that I wish there were some other way that this situation could've been handled. I am not advocating that others go around defying their parents. Perhaps we were wrong to defy my parents. But eventually they came around to support us in our decisions. At least we are not defying them anymore ....? And when exactly do I stop becoming a child as the Bible defines one? These are not rhetorical questions; if you have thoughts on this, please leave a comment.<br /><br />When I left off Part 1 (see link on the sidebar or whatever), I had begun the job search. Come February 2006 and I did not have any job offers, but I had some promising prospects (which, eventually, did not work out). I had told myself that I would have another talk with my parents after I got a job offer, but I got impatient and called again in February. I said that back in August I was thinking about grad school, but now I'm thinking full-time job after graduation. I asked them to reconsider what they'd said in That Horrible Month (tm), considering that I was going to be working after graduation. They still held firm. Well this time I fought back a bit. I don't remember all that was said (much to the female audience's frustration, I'm sure). The phone conversation actually ended twice; the first time, my dad hung up on me. I called back, and my mom picked up. I do remember the last thing I said to her, before <span style="FONT-STYLE: italic">she</span> took her turn at hanging up on me: "Just don't be surprised if I'm engaged by the time I graduate." I don't think we spoke for a month after that.<br /><br />As I mentioned earlier, none of my job prospects worked out. However, I think soon after the conversation I received an e-mail from a recruiter of a big name company right in the Atlanta area. After a series of e-mails and a series of on-site interviews, I was offered a job! All this time I was assuming that I would end up moving away to, U of Texas at Austin, the Pax River area of Maryland or the DC area, but in the end God worked things out PERFECTLY for me. I honestly could not have asked for a more perfect outcome.<br /><br />Soon after I excitedly accepted the job offer, I called my dad, to talk more about engagement. By this time, I think I had firmly established myself as a masochist. (I seem to have broken that habit recently though, thank goodness.) It was considerably more subdued than the previous conversation. He seemed to indicate that he had given up trying to argue with me. If this is what I wanted to do, then he said there was apparently nothing he could do to stop me. So that very evening, I went to Harmony's work and finally said, "Okay, let's get married :)" I'm sorry to disappoint everyone, but there was no elaborate plan. I didn't even get down on the knee and pop the question. As Harmony will testify, she was fine with it. So we were finally engaged! End of story, right?<br /><br />When my mom found out about this, she was NOT happy. Unfortunately, she reacts much differently to stress than my dad. She called me one morning in tears, beginning with "How could you..." I then proceeded to spend an hour on the phone with her while she was crying and being mad/crushed. Taking the advice that one of my uncles had given me much earlier, I didn't know what to say, so I just shut my mouth. She was telling me to cancel all the plans that we had made, that I had gotten engaged against their wishes, so now I had to listen to them on when to actually get married. Of course, she was still wanting us to get married MUCH later. It was kinda frightening to hear her like she was; she was saying that she did not want to live because of what I had done, that there was something wrong with her and that she was going to go to the hospital because she didn't know what it was. Now this distressed me; I loved Harmony, but I also didn't want to cause the early death of my parents. I talked to Harmony, the aforementioned uncle, and my sister. We didn't know what to do.<br /><br /><a href="http://thou-and-thou-only.blogspot.com/2006/11/our-turbulent-engagement-part-1.html">Part 1</a><br /><a href="http://thou-and-thou-only.blogspot.com/2006/11/our-turbulent-engagement-supplemental.html">Supplemental I</a><br /><a href="http://thou-and-thou-only.blogspot.com/2006/12/our-turbulent-engagement-supplemental.html">Supplemental II</a><br /><a href="http://thou-and-thou-only.blogspot.com/2006/12/our-turbulent-engagement-part-3.html">Part 3</a>JunkMalehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02619673168896233941noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37491865.post-1163259767412129142006-11-14T21:21:00.000-05:002007-03-07T07:59:29.514-05:00Our Turbulent Engagement, SupplementalAre you still with me? And all the women said "Yes! Tell me more!" And all the men grunted in a decidedly male manner, for they got lost and had long ago decided to go off and break stuff or set stuff on fire.<br /><br />Let's take a hiatus from engagement talk and teach you some more about Korean marriage culture. From what my parents had told me, it seemed like marriage in Korea is still largely arranged. Prospectively betrothed ones can only proceed forth with a relationship if both of the families know each other and both of them approve of the relationship. Family is above all in Korean culture, and if the family (= parents) did not approve, then that was the end of it. Many factors could be involved in the approval/disapproval process: the age of the man, the maturity of the man, socioeconomic status, the '인상' ('een-sahng,' no equivalent in English, "general impression" is pretty close though) of the other family.<br /><br />From what one of my uncles told me, my dad's family is a very high class family in Korea. Fitting, considering that my paternal grandpa held titles such as State Labor Secretary, University President (of multiple universities), and President and Founder of Lion's Club in Korea. He studied abroad at Peking University and at Columbia University, at a time when Koreans in America were <span style="FONT-STYLE: italic">unheard</span> of. He was also heavily involved in the independence movement against the Japanese occupation, and fervently chose NOT to give his kids Japanese names, nor to teach them the Japanese language. He was a <span style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold">great</span> man and I wish I could've met him. So you can gather that my parents were going to be very picky about who their oldest and only son would marry. Not just any of the proletariat would do for their son.<br /><br />There was obviously a big culture clash here. In Korean culture, marriage is an act that is much more of a family activity, whereas in American culture, it is generally much more lone wolf. To my credit, I was not <span style="FONT-STYLE: italic">trying</span> to go about things lone wolf style; I had tried to introduce Harmony to my parents much earlier, to no avail. My mom had said something way earlier along the lines of "Why do I need to meet her? You're just friends anyways." I <span style="FONT-STYLE: italic">had</span> tried to involve them more. The problem is that both of us had different mindsets. My parents were thinking this was just some friendly fling and that I would eventually move on in life. They were not even considering that I would be thinking marriage this early, but I was. So you can imagine that they were quite shocked when I started blabbing about marriage at such a "young age."<br /><br />It seems that in the worldwide contemporary culture these days, one must be firmly established in life before he gets married; most importantly, the man must be firmly established. He must be done with graduate school before even considering marriage. That's the impression that I got from my parents. Apparently no consideration is given to young couples burning with passion for each other. If ya ain't established, fergit it. I maintained that if we were to keep on waiting for things to be "perfect" before we got married, then we would never get married. Life would never be perfect.<br /><br />I had made an astonishingly correct prediction prior to having the engagement discussion with my parents. I correctly assessed my dad as the more intellectual of the two, and from there concluded that he would be a bit more open-minded. He had been living in America for a lot longer than my mom, and had had exposure to much more American culture through the workplace. I assessed that my mom, being a stay-at-home mom whose social network only included like-minded Korean people, would be much more close-minded to my lunatic whims of marriage to an All-American Girl. Indeed, my dad, while still being opposed, said we should remain in a dating relationship until 25, then decide. My mom, OTOH, said I should have no contact with Harmony until I was 28, and see how I felt about it then. You've GOT to be kidding... Luckily my dad *quickly* dismissed that as being a ridiculous idea. Sometimes I'm glad that my dad is the domineering one of the two ;)<br /><br /><a href="http://thou-and-thou-only.blogspot.com/2006/11/our-turbulent-engagement-part-1.html">Part</a> I<br /><a href="http://thou-and-thou-only.blogspot.com/2006/11/our-turbulent-engagement-part-2.html">Part 2</a><br /><a href="http://thou-and-thou-only.blogspot.com/2006/12/our-turbulent-engagement-supplemental.html">Supplemental II</a><br /><a href="http://thou-and-thou-only.blogspot.com/2006/12/our-turbulent-engagement-part-3.html">Part 3</a>JunkMalehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02619673168896233941noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37491865.post-1163257962520164612006-11-11T18:20:00.001-05:002008-04-14T13:30:43.681-04:00Our Turbulent Engagement, Part 1This is the first post in a series of long and detailed posts about our engagement. I'm sure you women out there will be able to follow the labyrinthine story with much enthusiasm, while the men out there will vaguely be able to recall something about an engagement. The only reason I know the story so well is because I lived through it. I admit to false advertising, as this post will not actually cover any part of our "official" engagment.<br /><br />Background: I went off to Georgia Tech for college in August 2001. I ended up joining Harmony's campus ministry group. Harmony and I were, at first, acquaintances. Then around the spring semester of 2003, I noticed that I found myself unconsciously looking forward to seeing her at lunch on campus. Many of our group would gather in the food court to have lunch together, and it was always a more enjoyable experience for me when she was there. Anyways, after asking permission from both my parents and her's, we became a couple on September 27, 2003.<br /><br /><span style="width: 200px; float: right; text-align: center; border-top: 1px solid #000066; border-bottom: 1px solid #000066; background: #DEDED9; padding: 10px; margin: 5px 0 5px 5px;">My parents thought we were too young to be in a committed relationship and assume that we would break up eventually..</span>Sometime within a year later, both of us had realized that we might be right for each other. As time went on, we became more and more certain of it. All this and we had not even officially become engaged. Unfortunately, my parents' idea of being a couple and our's were completely different. In our minds, we were in a very committed relationship, headed towards marriage. We were of the opinion that young people should not enter into relationships lightly. My parents, on the other hand, thought that I was too young to be in a committed relationship and probably assumed that we would break up eventually. Neither side communicated this to the other, and that ended up causing a lot of troubles down the road.<br /><br />Enter the Korean parents and culture. While in the southern U.S., daughters might be considered the prize "possessions," it's the opposite in Korea. Sons are of extremely high value, because the sons are the ones that are supposed to support the parents in their old age. Also, when children marry in Korea, sons remain in the family line and carry on the family name, while married daughters are crossed off the family tree (interestingly, Korean married women usually keep their maiden family name). Daughters "officially" become part of their husband's family. So the fact that I am the firstborn and only son in my family just added to the troubles.<br /><br />For reasons that are beyond my comprehension, past and present Korean culture says that sons and daughters are obligated to obey their parents in EVERYTHING, no matter how old or mature they are. So if some dashing young man were to meet his maiden in his early 20's, the parents could say "Wait until you're 28," and the culturally Korean young man should subserviently listen to what his parents said, without question and debate. Well, that young man is me, and my parents told me that I was too young and dumb and not of the right mind to make a decision to get married like this.<br /><br />That was August of 2005. To make matters worse, I had decided to have this talk with them while I was visiting home, which happened to be about 500 miles away from Harmony. I had gone home intending to get their approval and blessing to propose. I had wanted to get engaged before going off to graduate school, which was what I had been planning on doing at the time. In what I can describe as being totally my fault, I had already told Harmony that I planned to propose, but when I went home I bowed to my parents' will (for the time being, I might add), and then had to tell her that I thought we should wait six more years. It was quite a dumb thing for me to have done. I should have just not mentioned it to Harmony at all and not have gotten her hopes up. In fact, my dad was very mad at me when I revealed that I had talked about this to her, since he said this would just cause a lot of stress for her. Being 500 miles away, I couldn't even be there for her to console her. Her primary Love Language (tm) is physical touch, and no amount of MSN Messenger talk could compare to me being able to be there with her and hug her. August 2005 is one of the months in my life that I would love for God to strike from my memory.<br /><br />In spite of That Horrible Month (tm), we prevailed, and somehow moved forward with life. In September I changed my mind about grad school and decided that I wanted to get a job right out of college. Maybe that would help change my parents mind. Maybe they had just freaked out because they didn't think we should be married while I was in grad school. Maybe things would be okay if I told them that I was going to get a job and be able to support her. So I plunged into the job search, with the idea that if/when I got a job offer, I would talk to my parents again and say "Hey, look, I have secured a job and will soon become totally financially independent from you and Umma (Korean term for "mom"). Don't you think I'm ready to get married <span style="FONT-STYLE: italic">now</span>?"<br /><br /><a href="http://thou-and-thou-only.blogspot.com/2006/11/our-turbulent-engagement-supplemental.html">Supplemental I</a><br /><a href="http://thou-and-thou-only.blogspot.com/2006/11/our-turbulent-engagement-part-2.html">Part 2</a><br /><a href="http://thou-and-thou-only.blogspot.com/2006/12/our-turbulent-engagement-supplemental.html">Supplemental II</a><br /><a href="http://thou-and-thou-only.blogspot.com/2006/12/our-turbulent-engagement-part-3.html">Part 3</a>JunkMalehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02619673168896233941noreply@blogger.com3