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Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Time Capsule to be Opened Circa 2025

Dear Future JunkMale and JunkFemale,

This is JunkMale writing when he is 23 years old, about to get married to the fair JunkFemale. Inevitably, you will have multiplied by now. Multiple times if the Lord is good to you. If you're lucky, the ungodly and barbaric practice of abortion will have been banned by now. But that's a whole different topic. Anyways...perhaps around this time, give a few years or so, you might be faced with marrying off one of your children. If that situation is indeed here, I hope both of you remember all the stress that you were put under as an engaged couple, in order to have the wedding that neither of you wanted. Neither of us wanted a big hoedown for a wedding; we would've been fine with just nuclear family, grandparents, and minister. But somehow through the unseen forces of parents + in-laws, this is a much bigger hoedown than we wanted.

If you are JunkFemale, please REMEMBER the stress you were under, as you sought to deal with this huge ordeal. Please remember that you yourself did not want to go through that, and please do not make your future sons and daughters go through that, if they do not wish.

If the reader is the JunkMale, the funder of Weddings Future, please remember this great tidbit of advice from JunkMale, recipient of Weddings Past: just throw funding money at your lovebirds and let them do what they want.

This is not to say that all involved parents have been "bad." The fault lies more with the vocal minority, who (singular or plural, you decide) shall not be named at this point. If you, as one of four parents involved, should find yourself being vocal sans prompting, please realize that fewer gray hairs will result if you would *kindly* pipe down.

Here are some fortune cookie tidbits. Verily I say unto thee:

  • Give input in the form of mere suggestions, maybe once. And then ONLY give input when requested.
  • Three is a crowd; do not wish to invite 400 people to the wedding and think this is "not that many people." Especially when all these 400 people are not friends of your child and his/her betrothed.
  • It is not wise to balk if your children wish to keep their weddings under 30 people.
  • It is not wise to balk if the groom's family wishes to help fund portions.
  • It is not wise to balk if the bride's family does not wish to spend a fortune on the wedding.
  • Bible verse for previous tidbits: Ecclesiastes 10:9 states "A feast is made for laughter, and wine makes life merry, but money is the answer for everything."
  • You are not the one marrying the kid; therefore, do not make the said child do hair or makeup in a way that is completely opposite of the feelings of said child's future spouse.
  • Planning an out-of-town wedding without an out-of-town wedding planner is a forehead-smacking blunder comparable to invading Russia during winter time, or voting for Hillary.
  • Have many children, for children are a blessing from God. If you mess up on one wedding, fix it with the next kid in line.
  • S*xual dimorphism reverses when weddings come calling; approach mothers only when necessary, grab by the horns, and beware of the razor-sharp teeth which drip with necrotizing venom more potent than conotoxin.
  • The best way to handle being a parent of a bride/groom is to dump money in the betrothed's bank account, then enter cryogenic hibernation for the length of the engagement and show up on the day of the wedding.


It would be both fortunate and unfortunate if we forgot the homestretch of months approaching December 16, 2006. It's obvious why it would be fortunate, but it would be unfortunate because those who forget history are doomed to repeat it.

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2 have poured out their souls in electronic text:

  • Headmistress, zookeeper

    HA! MY mother always told me that she would pay me the cost of a wedding if I would just elope, because she doesn't like fuss and feathers.
    So we did.

    She didn't meant it.
    :shrug:

    I have not told my children they can elope. I have told them I don't care if they choose a JP ceremony, or get married barefoot under the lilacs at the family farm, I want to be there, and that is all that matters.

  • Tammy L

    Joshua and I were blessed. We planned (and paid for) our own wedding! (Our parents gave us gifts instead of paying for the wedding.) It was nice. :)