Sunday, June 24, 2007

Sad News

Recent lack of posts can be attributed to sad news and busy circumstances. Tuesday, June 19th, Harmony had a miscarriage. She had been 6 weeks pregnant with our baby at that point. There were lots of tears, and frustration on my part, due to my lack of ability to "do" something to "fix" this problem (since, you know, that's how we men deal with things). We had a slew of pregnancy posts queued up, but those will have to wait. Thankfully, the miscarriage went as "well" as possible, with no surgery necessary (so far). We also learned that she is Rh negative, and she has since received the proper Rhogam shot within 72 hours of the miscarriage. Please pray for us; for recovery of all kinds, and that miscarriages would not be a frequent visitor, as they have been in other females from Harmony's father's side (they very well could be due to the Rh factor, but no definitive tests were ever done on those women).

We had told much of our family about the pregnancy, and various people from our church and certain parents' churches had also known. Due to various circumstances, we have not had a chance to attend our church for a few consecutive services now, so no one there knows. We'll have to explain to them, which I'm not looking forward to.

When it rains it certainly does pour. Tuesday was also the day that my family was coming to stay with us until Saturday. The occasion was for Harmony's little sister's wedding, which took place Saturday (and now she is merrily married yay happy).

We attended church with Harmony's parents today. Harmony and I somehow ended up talking to some random married man. Through whatever conversational means, we somehow let out that we wanted to start a family whenever God would give us one (a.k.a. no contraception). The guy, a regular expert on life in general, said "oh okay" and then started to nicely explain to us how THE best way is to wait two years or so, because (of course) we need to get to know each other, and because once the pesky kids come along, it's all over from there (keep in mind our recent situation). It's not verbatim, but that's what we took away from the exchange. Neither of us said anything back to this fella, Harmony because she was afraid she'd start crying again, and me because part of Psalm 4 instructs us, "In your anger, do not sin." Allowing my mouth open after what this man said would've been sin on my part. He was not privy to our recent situation.

Why must people be so presumptuous when they find out that some people just want to start families right away? Harmony and I want to start a family because we want to start a family. It is our personal conviction that we are not going to use contraceptives. We are not starting a family because the Bible says we must start a family ASAP. I am aware that the Bible says children are a blessing; I am not aware of any command, example, or necessary inference where people are given commands to have children right away. Absent any Biblical command in either direction, we do not try to force our no-contraception views on others who do not illicit our opinions on the matter.

We are aware of several other recent incidents of people sticking their noses into other people's family decisions: OB/GYN offices giving unsolicited commentary on why hormonal birth control is the only acceptable form of birth control; strangers suggesting that the government forcefully sterilize a couple who has more than three children; someone (not a doctor) suggesting that a lady who had a recent miscarriage should wait X number of months/years before having another pregnancy, etc.

If there's one thing Harmony and I have learned from this and other life experiences, it is that people should be careful when they give advice on personal matters. More often than not, you offend instead of encourage. One size almost never fits all.

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9 have poured out their souls in electronic text:

  • Ewokgirl

    I'm so terribly sorry to read about your loss. I'll be praying for the two of you.

    I've been on the flip side of those insensitive comments. For a myriad of reasons, including the fact that neither of us has ever had that desire for children (I truly believe this is God's protection of us and our hearts), we have chosen not to have children. Believe me when I say that it doesn't matter which side of the child argument you are on, people will find fault with your choices. I've had some extremely hurtful things said to me at times. I think it comes down to the fact that people like to believe that their way is the right way, and they like to validate their supposed rightness by espousing their views. No one ever meant to hurt me, but they did. They also made me very, very angry. So on that front, I truly do understand, even though our situations are reversed.

    All I know to say is that it's really only between you, your wife, and the Lord. You just have to do your best to ignore the hurtful comments and remind yourself that the people making them don't mean to wound you. They're simply acting out of ignorance. Prayer definitely helps. I'm so grateful that we have a Lord who will listen to us when we need to cry to him.

  • Birdie

    I'm so very sorry to hear about your loss. I will be praying for you both.

    Eaglewood and I lost a baby (stillbirth due to a virus which stopped his heart) in April of last year. It is an astonishingly difficult thing to go through. People do say terribly ugly and hurtful things often without really meaning to cause harm.

  • Elizabeth

    Please let Harmony know that I'm thinking of and praying for all three of you. (Not that your little one needs any intercession, just for a wonderful reunion in the future.) I still remember when I lost one of my babies as each year passes. It helped me to meditate on the Psalms that express anger and frustration and to know that a "friend of God" could record such feelings in scripture. Once I was past that stage, I found comfort in the passages where Jesus describes the relationship of little children and their angels to the Father. But first I needed some time.

    As for the rest, Im sorry that people have hurt you both with their thoughtlessness.


  • CappuccinoLife

    Harmony's comment on my blog reminded me to visit. I am so sorry to hear that you lost your first little one. :( And that someone decided to advise you and disrespect your conviction.

    Believe me, those comments will only continue. Unless you have one boy and one girl, about 4 years apart (ie: "perfect family") people's opinions about your family planning (or lack thereof :) will flow from their mouths unbidden.

    May the God of all comfort be with you two as you grieve your little baby.

  • CappuccinoLife

    I don't know if you're already familiar with this blog, but Bethany has posted some beautiful thoughts on miscarriage and sorrow lately. http://bethany.preciousinfants.com/

  • Tammy

    Sorry to read of your loss... I'll be praying for both of you.

  • Michelle

    :( I'm sorry to hear about this difficult time. I know how difficult a miscarriage can be.

  • Myfriendconnie

    I'm so very sorry to hear about this. We have gone through it, too, and know the sadness that comes with it.

  • Anna

    My heart goes out to you both in this time of loss.

    I can empathize with your choices for no-contraception. My husband and I have been married a year now and, statistically-speaking, I should be pregnant by now. We are just open to the possibilities. :)

    Veiled Glory